Fotball (football) : A game of 22 players, involving punting the ball as far up the pitch as you can, hoping to hit some blonde head. Involves tactical tricks such as defending a 0-0 draw in the European Championships against a team that has been beaten by you twice before in the last two years.

Offside (Offside) : Shouted by defenders, coaches and managers whenever a member of the opposing team has possession within your own half of the pitch.

Drillo (Unsuccessful manager at Wimbledon) : Football deity. Made Norway a footballing nation to be reckoned with in his reign from 1990 to 1998. Never failed. Knows a lot about geography, football and playing cards. Wears rubber boots, and feels opposition teams with star players are less of a threat than teams with no stars. At present also commentator on Norwegian television).

Bronselaget (The Bronze-winning side) : Norway’s only piece of silverware in international football was won at the Berlin Olympics in 1936, where Norway beat Germany 2-0 in the 3rd place play-off. Unfortunately, this result led to Germany invading Norway some four years later.

Rosenborg (Rosenborg) : Norway’s only remotely successful club side. Has participated in the Champions League more times than most people care to remember, and rarely fails to lose heavily away to almost any side. Also winner of every single League Championship since 1992.

Solskjær (Baby-faced assassin) : The best striker in the world. How Sir Alex can prefer such mediocre players as van Nistelrooy, Yorke or Paul Scholes ahead of him is beyond every Norwegian. His smurf-like appearance is a perfect disguise for a lethal finisher. Also a favourite topic at any lunch discussion and preferred ice-breaker with English speakers.

Kontinental (Continental) : Style of play involving intricate passing and skill. Deemed ‘inefficient’ by football deity (see ‘Drillo’). Viewed with suspicion and as a sign of femininity by Norwegian managers, players and fans.

Pasning (A Pass) : Kicking the ball with full strength towards the opposition’s goal.

Italia (Italy) : A country of ‘kontinental’ style of play, pancies, spaghetti, pizza and suspiciously good-looking footballers. Also the country who has knocked Norway out of all three world cups we have participated in. Viewed with suspicion and hostility, but also fondly remembered as the team beaten almost single-handedly by Lars Bohinen in 1991. His run past Franco Baresi and nutmegging of Walter Zenga are among the greatest memories of Norwegian fans.

Flopasning (The Flo Pass) : The heart and soul of Drillo’s style of play. Involves ‘pasning’ (see ‘pasning’) and also hitting big, blonde head (see ‘fotball’).

EM 2000 (Euro 2000) : Championship set to end in Norwegian glory, as Spain was beaten 1-0 in the opening game. Alas, the tide turned against Norway, as the mighty Slovenians held us to 0-0. The cheaters from Spain managed to score a goal on overtime against Yugoslavia, and thus endeth that story.

Flo (Flo) : Family much inclined to produce tall, fair-haired footballers. Currently also official supplier of strikers to the Norwegian international team.

England (England) : Viewed by most Norwegians as the world’s leading footballing nation. Also a team beaten twice by Norway at Ullevaal stadium.

Steve Nicol (Steve Nicol) : Much hated Liverpool player. Hated for his blatantly hazardous tackle on Norwegian international star Tom Sundby in 1989. Almost ended Sundby’s career.

Svein Grøndalen (Unknown Norwegian left-back) : Celebrated Norwegian defender, who ended Sweden star Ralf Edström’s career at Ullevaal stadium back in the mid-seventies with a horrifying tackle.

Kvinnefotball (Women’s Football) : What we Norwegians comfort ourselves with when our boys are beaten by mighty Albania. Otherwise mostly ignored and labelled ‘boring’.

0-11 (nil-eleven) : Common result against most other national teams for Norway in the early seventies. Also a common result for any Norwegian club team in Europe in this period.

Jevn kamp (Even game) : Describes all of Norway’s defeats in the last World Cup qualifiers.

Ufortjent (Undeserved) : See above.

Wales (Wales) : National team even worse than Norway.