Premiership Big Guns aren't firing
27/09/02 | by Mike Shaw

Everyone’s fantasy team nightmare. From your £40M budget you set aside £16M to spend on your strikers, your big point players. So you buy a few cheap defenders, who cares they never score many points anyway. Now who to have up front? At this stage I reckon the names Van Nistelrooy, Hasselbaink, Diouf and Owen would be likely suspects to fill those two spots.

Of the four, only Diouf has scored in open play this season in the Premiership, two goals at Anfield against Southampton. Owen has netted a penalty, Van Nistelrooy two penalties and Hasselbaink looks as though he would struggle to hit a cows arse with a banjo. Why?

World Cup fatigue would be the obvious answer, but this only supplies us with half the answer. Owen and Diouf could put their poor form down to a World Cup hangover, but Hasselbaink and Van Nistelrooy? Holland didn’t even qualify, they’ve had a summer break, they are part of big squads where rotation is not a problem.

Is it just one of those seasons? Have defenders got the measure of top strikers? It's actually an interesting point to note that while Van Nistelrooy has struggled to hit form in the Premiership, he’s belted in 5 goals in 3 Champions League contests, albeit against none-too-wonderful opposition. Also worthy of note is that Hasselbaink’s only goal this season came in the UEFA Cup. Strange but true. Still it could be worse, they could be Diego Forlan ... personally I’d take David Johnson any day of the week!

So the ‘Other League’. Arsenal sit atop the pile after beating Bolton 2-1, courtesy of a late Kanu winner, while Thierry Henry, one striker worth splashing a few fantasy million on, missed a penalty.

Liverpool are second after a win over West Brom. Michael Owen missed a penalty, Russel Hoult (ex-Sheepshagger) was sent off and Baros and Riise (another fantasy tip) got the goals.

Newcastle took the honours in the Tyne & Wear derby courtesy of goals from Craig Bellamy and Alan Shearer. The gas under Peter Reid will have gone up a few marks, with his side sitting one place off the bottom.

West Ham prop things up. They drew 0-0 with Man City, while Southampton and Charlton also drew 0-0. Middlesbrough also beat Birmingham 1-0 courtesy of a Franck Quedrue free-kick.

On Sunday Leeds went down 1-0 to Blackburn, and Villa eased the pressure on ‘Turnip’ Taylor with a 3-2 win over Everton, Lee Hendrie scoring a beaut and Dion Dublin getting a late winner.

Monday night brought us another 0-0 with Chelsea being held by Fulham at Loftus Road. Mr Hasselbaink failing to impress and justify the £7m fantasy bucks I spent on him (Why, oh why, didn’t I get Wiltord?!)

So this week's predictions, to give you all a laugh come Sunday evening:

Peter Reid to go after Sunderland lose at home to Villa. Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink to get a hat-trick as West Ham visit Stamford Bridge (he might never get a better chance!). Liverpool to be top of the league.

And at least one player to be sent off at Elland Road. What, you think that Vieira, Smith, Dacourt and Mills to be able to make 90 minutes on the same pitch? Let's just pray they don’t get a certain Mr Webster as the referee.