The definitive end of season review (with added swear words)
22/05/03 | by Mark Ingram

So it's finished, bugger. (You can’t hand that in as your entire article - Ed) Ok, erm, I'll start again.

The season, like most seasons, started back in August when the weather was sunny, the trees were green and the beer cost 4 and 6 a pint. I had just driven out of the garage in my brand new Cortina and there was a cute little bunny rabbit sat over yonder gnawing away on a tiny ickle carrot. I turned on the radio and started getting down to some Bon Jovi. (Nope, this is even worse and what the f**k does yonder mean? Use proper words and make it about football, you twat - Ed)

What no ickle bunny rabbits? (No, you arse - Ed) OK!

Personally, one surmises football as the modern church, the proletariat flocking in their thousands to worship en mass. And thus the Sabbath is no longer viewed as the holy day - Saturday is now sacred. However is this a threat to society as it promotes rivalry and chauvinism? Perhaps, but perhaps society is evolving and... (Right c**t, end of season review ABOUT THIS SEASON! No ickle carrots or fourth-rate philosophy, you're not clever, smart arse – Ed)

Bonjour, tu regarde le foot? Oui, j’adore le foot, moi jadore Nottingham forest dans Paul Hart. Sur 2002/2003 le Nottingham forest collectee boucoup da points pour un leaugeooo, j’ai mange la fromage, oh la la, j’ai mal al a tete. (Ingram, you failed French GCSE for a reason. Now play the game, the public love your work – Ed) Alright, alright...

I probably wasn’t the only one who thought after two games and with one point in the bag, mid-table obscurity was waiting in the wings yet again. We knew we had a good squad and surely it was only a matter of time. I went to my first game this season away at Coventry to see Scimica fire in a free kick and Forest take all three points. It was a far from impressive display but it helped us edge into the play-offs a couple of weeks later and would remain there 'til the end of the season. And despite this early misplaced pessimism I’ve enjoyed this season more than any I think.

Coming back to draw with Leicester was fantastic, nobling derby 3-0 (although the incidents surrounding that day are another story for another time when the vodka blur finally clears) and my personal favourite was pissing those Ipswich fans off completely, ha ha ha, you inbreeds.

I was there, of course, last Thursday night and I thought we had done it when my pessimism had been banished by Andy Ried’s classic. Then, like us all, I was close to tears to see fat Kenny, the space hopper, bouncing about rubbing his gut when they took the lead. Die, fatty die... with pointy sticks. It was an utter bastard arse to be honest. I was quite up for a trip to Cardiff, even though it is in Wales - they don’t tell you that at the start of the season.

Looking on the bright side, sort of, I’m not convinced we would have beaten Wolves anyway. It's an unlikely event given our recent record against them and that would of probably been worse than losing to Sheffield United. There’s not much point in me going into any more detail about this season as most of you probably have better memories than me. I blame the beer.

So, to next year, we are forced to look and here’s a dozen predictions from me as to what’s going to happen:

1) Dawson stays with the club, why would he want to leave?
2) Andy Ried, my hero, is elected Prime Minister and hopes to make God within two years.
3) Louis-Jean comes out the closet, dressed in a pink tutu, and declares his love for Jim Brennan; the two move in together.
4) Forest go up in second place; Forest fans cheer.
5) Derby go bankrupt and out of existence; Forest fans cheer.
6) Kenny, the world's fattest goalkeeper, explodes; Sheffield United fans get covered in lard; the lard catches fire and many die; Forest fans cheer.
7) My Cortina… (Stop it, you’ve never owned one of them f**king things – Ed)
8) Beckham’s hair falls out in an even more stupid hair style experiment, that’s my life in tatters.
9) We actually BUY a player, and even more shockingly...
10) We actually get past the third round of a cup!
11) My computer suffers a meltdown due to excessive web porn and my kidneys and liver fail.
12) On the lost that loving feeling front, three mini predictions: a) Alex’s new site design will be [original word edited] (a world beater, was the phrase you were looking for there I think – Ed). b) 'A View from the Armchair' will be scrapped - have you read that wank?? c) I mite manage to do that third mission history I promised several months ago.

Keep the faith and keep drinking, I’ve found the latter aids the former.

By Mark Ingram - LTLF twat of the year y2k, Loveshack air guitar champion for May ‘03, and all round cool dude. trentendlad@hotmail.com .