lost that loving feeling

If you put a small condom on a small prick, and you put a large condom on a large prick, what do you put on a thick prick?
A Derby shirt!

Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps?
They had pictures of D*rby players on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in an Derby shirt?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break.
The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered."
The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded."
The fourth one says, "I prefer Derby fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."

A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend "What's happened to your car ?"
"Well," the friend responds, "I ran over Junior".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"He tried to escape through the park."

John Gregory is apparently sending his whole squad on diving lessons - he has heard that there are 20,000 leagues under the sea and reckons Derby might just win one of them!

Why is Ravenelli like a tea tray?
He has to carry 10 mugs!

John Gregory was out shopping one day, in a Derby High Street (no, really, they have shops), when he saw an old lady struggling with her shopping.
Gregory: "Can you manage, luv?"
Lady: "Up yours Gregory! You took the job, you're stuck with it!"

Money saving tip
Fed up of forking out for a Derby kit just to show your support?
Simply attach a strap-on dildo to your forehead and it will be perfectly clear to everyone who you support.

John Gregory was out walking his dog one day, when he bumped into Ravenelli. As they were approaching a pub, he asked Rav if he wanted to go in for a few pints. Anyway, they were standing at the bar, with the dog on the leash, when a man walks towards the dog, looks under the dog's tail, and walks away. Gregory and Ravenelli just looked at each other blankly. A few minutes later, another man does the same thing, and simply walks away.
Gregory asks Ravenelli, "Why's everyone looking under my dog's tail?".
"Don't know" replies Rav, "But the next person that does it, we'll pull him up and ask him what he's doing".
Anyway, a few moments later, another man pulls up the dogs tail, looks at it, but this time, as he was about to walk away, Ravenelli stops him and asks why is everyone looking under John's dog's tail. The man replies, "Because there's a man outside telling everybody that there's a dog inside with two arseholes."

Two sheep with Foot and Mouth are standing in a field. One turns to the other and says "I hope they send Ravenelli to shoot me"

Why is it George Michael's ambition to play in goal for Derby?
Because he'd have have 10 arseholes in front of him and 30,000 pricks behind him.

What's the difference between pride park and a hedgehog?
On a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside

The seven Dwarfs are down in the cave when it collapses.Snow White runs to the entrance and shouts down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out 'Derby county are good enough to win the European Cup'. Snow White pauses then says 'at least Dopey's still alive'.

A man goes into East Midlands airport and eventually goes into the departure lounge waiting for his flight out on holiday to be called. All around him there is overturned tables, upturned chairs, smashed windows, flight monitors broken and crowd control barriers on the floor. 'Christ whats happened here?' he asks one of the ground crew.
'Oh yeah,' he replies. 'Bloody hopeless.... we had the Derby players in trying to film the new nike advert.'

Rumour has it that to cut the cost of repairs for Derby's scoreboard, only the light bulbs in the half to show the opponents score will be fixed. The other half will just have 'Derby 0' painted on it in emulsion.

A Derbyshire farmer

Someone asked me the other day what time Derby kick off. I replied by saying 'every ten minutes'.

What's the difference between a female D*rby Fan and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

What do you call 20 D*rby Fans skydiving from an airplane?
Diahorrea.

If you see a D*rby fan on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bike.

What do D*rby Fans and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead D*rby Fan in the Road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What do you have when 100 D*rby Fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a D*rby Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the D*rby Fan, twice.

What do D*rby Fans use for birth control?
Their personalities.

Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, an intelligent D*rby fan and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note on the floor. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythical creatures.

What is the difference between a D*rby Fan and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

A primary teacher starts a new job in the Midlands and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Derby County fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Derby fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: “Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?“
"Because I'm not a Derby fan miss,“ she replies.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: “Well, if you're not a Derby fan, then who are you a fan of?“
"I'm a Forest fan, and proud of it,“ Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. “Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Forest fan?“
"Because my mum and dad are from Nottingham, and my mum is a Forest fan, my dad is a Forest fan, so I'm a Forest fan too!“
“Well,“ said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, “that's no reason for you to be a Forest fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time! What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief? What would you be then?“
"Then,“ Mary smiled, “I'd be a Derby fan...“

What does EDS stand for?
Eleven Dead Sheep

The travelling Derby supporters were disappointed when they visited Swansea in the Cup.
Someone had tipped the sheep off.

Acronyms of DCFC
Dead Chickens Follow County, Dry Crap For Christmas, Dopey Cunts Find Cheesy, Downward Chuff Flopping Catastrophically, Donkeys Carrying Finished Cars, Don't Count Five Cheaters, Dreary Chimps Fluff Chances, Deadly Characters Fall Crying.

Why does pride park have the best pitch in the country?
They pile 30 million pounds of shit on it every week

A Forest van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Derby fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous black and white colours. He would swerve to hit them, there would be a loud "THUD" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.
"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift! climb in!"
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road.
Suddenly the driver saw a Sheepshagger walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the bastard.
However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Derby fan,"
"That's okay" replied the priest. "I got the fucker with the door"

Forest are about to play Derby in the 4th round of the F.A Cup, and Hart and his boys are talking tactics. Suddenly Stern John pipes up and says "Don't worry lads, I'll play them by myself. You lot go down the pub."
Hart and the rest all agree this is a good idea and go down the local. A short while after kick off, Scimeca remembers the game, breaks off from his pool game and looks up the score on ceefax. The screen shows the scoreline:

Forest 1	Derby 0
John 10

Content with the scoreline, the lads settle back down to the pool game in hand and play until full time. Looking up at ceefax again, the Forest players see Derby have managed to draw the game with a last minute penalty. Then Stern comes into the pub looking very pissed off.
"What happened?" asks Harty.
The angry striker replies "I was doing alright to start off with, but then the fucking ref sent me off on 11 minutes!"

A Derby fan was shopping in the local supermarket. He picked up a tin of soup for one, a small pizza and one pint of milk. He went to the check out to pay for his goods. The check out girl asked him "Are you single?"
The Derby fan replied "Yes I am. Did you guess from the food I'm buying?"
"No," the check out girl replied. "Your fucking ugly!"

Newsflash!
The new 'Miss Nottingham' is tall, slim, blonde and very attractive. There is a 'Miss Derby' as well. But it's not a competition, just a piece of advise.

Family life in Derbyshire

John Gregory goes into a building society to deposit some money. Whilst there, a robbery takes place, and Colin is knocked unconscious during the struggle.
In a few minutes he comes round, but is still very confused.
"What, er, how, er, where am I?" he mumbles.
"Relax. Your in the Nationwide" says a paramedic.
Gregory replies, "Bloody Hell! You mean I've been asleep all season?!?"

A Derby fan and his girlfriend were going to spend their first night together. As he was taking his trousers off, his girlfriend noticed his knees were all knobbly and misshapen.
He saw her looking at them and replied "As a boy I had knee-monia."
"Don't you mean pneumonia?" she said.
He said "no it was knee-monia."
He then took his socks off and again she noticed his crooked and misshapen toes.
Again he replied "As a boy I had toelio."
"Don't you mean polio?" she said.
"No he replied, definitely toelio."
He then took off his underpants and she exclaimed "Don't tell me, you also had small-cox."

How do we know Jesus didn't come from Derby?
Because in Derby we couldn't find three wise men and a virgin

A Derby fan's wife was sitting at home waiting for her husband to come home from the match away at Spurs. She turned on the radio to find out the result, but got the travel news by accident. She was just about to change station when something caught her ear:
"News just in!" Shouted the radio presenter urgently, "We have had a report of someone driving the wrong way up the M1! We advise all drivers to take care!"
Fearing for her husband's safety, the wife rang him up on his mobile phone. He answered and the wife told him that one car was driving the wrong way up the motorway.
"One!" replied the Derby fan, "There's bloody hundreds of them!"

Trevor was worried that his wife didn't love him. So he questioned her:
"If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her.
"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails
"How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked nervously.
"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails.
"What about if I lost my job and all my money?" He asked fearing the worse.
"The money doesn't matter to me Darling." She replied while applying her nail varnish.
"Well, how about if I started supporting Derby?" said Trevor.
The woman looked over at her husband's worried face then replied "I would really miss you."

A Derby fan was drinking in a Nottingham pub when the bartender came over to tell him he had a telephone call. The Derby fan had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone to drink it. So, he wrote little sign and left it by his beer that said: "I spat in my beer."
When he returned to the his bar stool 2 minutes later, there was another note beside his beer:
"I spat in your beer too!"

Newsflash!
In a recent survey, 1/3 of Derbyshire farmers admitted to having sex with their flock.
In another recent survey, 2/3 of Derbyshire farmers admitted to lying.

Jim Smith, being so impressed with Southampton's ability for premiership survival, decided to make a trip to the Dell to see Glenn Hoddle to ask for some tips.
"Well," said Hoddle "My philosophy is that players need to be mentally fit as well as physically. That's why I regularly test them with IQ questions. Here I'll show you."
Hoddle shouted over Kevin Davies.
"Kevin, if your father's son was not your brother then who would it be?" said Hoddle.
"Well, that would be me boss!" replied the striker.
"Correct. Now get back to training." said Hoddle
"That's amazing Glenn. I'm going to start doing this with my players. Thanks a lot." said an over-awed Jim Smith.
On returning to Pride Park, Smith shouted over Mikkel Beck during training.
"Mikkel, if your father's son was not your brother who would it be?"
"I don't know boss. Can I think about it for a minute?" replied Beck. Smith agreed. Beck went off and told Craig Burley that he had been asked a question that he didn't know.
"That's easy" said Burley "if he was my father's son, but not my brother, then it would be me.".
"Thanks" Mikkel replied.
Beck walked over to Jim Smith and said: "Boss, boss, I know the answer........it's CRAIG BURLEY!"
Smith shook his head and shouted "No you tosser the answer was KEVIN DAVIES!"

Derby fans finally discovered something for those cold winter nights indoors.

A farmer is watching his sheep somewhere in the lake district when he sees a rambler coming up the road. The farmer meets him at the stone wall.
The farmer is slightly shocked when the bloke asks "If I guess how many sheep you have, can I take one away and shag her?"
The farmer thinks about this and replies "Sure"
The rambler takes a brief look over the flock and says "173"
"That's bloody impressive!" says the bemused farmer. "Take your pick"
The bloke chooses, and begins to walk off with his trophy.
The farmer shouts back "If I guess which team you support, can I have my dog back?"

Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams. The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will England next win the World Cup?"
God Replies, "In five years time".
"But I'll be dead by then!" says the man.
The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Forest next win the European Cup?"
The Good Lord answers, "In ten years time".
"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.
The third one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Derby win the Premier League?".
God pauses then answers,"I'll be dead by then!"

A psychology professor decided to study the way in which different people from different parts of the country shag sheep. He travelled first to Wales, where he asks a farmer to explain his method:
"Ooh, well, boyo, I put her back legs down my nice green wellies, grab her with my velcro gloves, and were well away isn't it.Tidy!"
The professor next tries Scotland:
"Hoots an' toots man, I put her back legs down ma nice green wellies, grab her with ma velcro gloves, and we're well away. Och aye tha noo!"
The professor moves on to the Lake District:
"Well love, I put her back legs down my nice green wellies, grab her with me velcro gloves, and we're off! There's nowt more ti yan than that."
The proffesor is noticing a pattern, so he decides to try Derbyshire, and then call it a day. He stops a bloke outside Pride Park, and asks him to explain the Derbyshire method:
"Well, me duck, I put her back legs down my nice green wellies, sling her front legs over me shoulders, and that's all there is to it"
The professor is excited to have found some regional variation, and tells him that this is very different from the Scots, Welsh and Cumbrians.
"How do they do it then?" he asks. So the professor explains. The Derby fan, on hearing the explianation, walks off, disgusted muttering "What? No kissing!?!?!"

Directions to Pride Park.

Two Derby fans are walking along the street. One of them picks up a mirror, looks in it, and says "Hey, I know that bloke!"
The second one picks it up, looks into the mirror and says "Of course you do, you thick twat - its me!"

A Derby fan is walking his dog one day, when he sees an old lamp. He bends down to pick it up, and starts to rub it to clean it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says "I am the cut price genie. I grant but one wish!"
The Derby fan thinks for a while, and then says "Make my dog, Wanchope, win Crufts."
The genie looks Wanchope, and says "Don't be stupid, look at the thing. It's mangey, it's got fleas, it's got a bit missing from one ear, it limps and it smells. I might be a genie, but I'm not a fucking miracle worker!"
"Alright then", says the Derby fan, disgruntled "Make Derby County win the Premier League!"
The genie stops for a moment, then says "Lets have another look at that dog again...."

A reporter from Central News is Interviewing John Gregory and Paul Hart. He first asks John what his long term plans for Derby are.
Gregory replies "Well, I see us becoming a good, average Premiership team, who don't even get involved in relegation issues."
The reporter then puts the same question to Hart, who answers "I think that, once we secure promotion, we will be able to mount a successful challenge to the Premier League title. Once in Europe, we will carry off the European cup for the next 5 years."
"Don't you think that's a little bit over-optimistic, Paul?" asks the Interviewer.
To which Hart replies "Well, John started it!"

John Gregory was getting worried that all his players were shit, so he phoned up a decent manager to ask for advice.
Paul Hart explained that at Forest he got all the players to dribble round cones, thus improving their close ball control. He suggested Colin try this.
Two weeks later, Paul rang back to see how the sheep shaggers were coping with the new system. When he answered the phone, though, Todd was still pissed off.
"Didn't my suggestion work?" asked Harty.
"Bloody cones beat us 3-0" muttered Gregory.

How many Derby fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Yeah, like they have electricity in Derby!

A Derby fan is sent to Hell for his sins (bestiality mostly).
There he meets the Devil, who asks him "How art thou finding the eternal damnation of Hades?"
"Not too bad really", says the Derby fan. "It's certainly warmer than Derbyshire in February. Quite pleasant really."
Satan is very upset that anyone should actually enjoy Hell, so he orders his demons to turn down all the heating, until it is so cold that the very air freezes. He then goes to seek out the Derby fan, who is smiling broadly.
"What art thou doing?" asks Satan. "Is not the bitter cold chilling chilling thy twisted soul to the very core?"
"Yes", admits the Derby fan, "but I'm still happy, because this weather can only mean one thing - Derby have won the Premier League!"

What's the best thing to come out of Derby since Brian Clough?
The A52

What's the difference between a bra and Derby County?
A bra has two cups and support

On the pull in Derbyshire

Reasons why sheep ake better lovers than Women (taken from the "Penguin guide to life in Derbyshire")

Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth
You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear
Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather
Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease
Nuttin' beats mutton
Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel
Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early
Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down
Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them
No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe
Sheep are never concerned about their reputation
Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up
Sheep won't ask if you're gay the first time you can't get it up for the second time
Sheep never insist on eating out
You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Mel Gibson
Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late
Sheep don't get moody once a month
You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth
A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after one roll in the hay
A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed
A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon
A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car
A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains
A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...and pay
A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup
A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy
A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator
A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the bedroom
A sheep will never sue you for palimony
A sheep won't care if you screw her sister
A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is
A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're screwing
A sheep won't use you razor to shave its legs, or your pocket knife to open a paint can
Sheep never have a headache
A sheep won't give your favorite football shirt to Goodwill
A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom
A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a box of tampons
Sheep grow their own fur coats
A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when you're having friends over to watch football
Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend
A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning
Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex
A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up
A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator
A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style
A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom
Sheep are "ram tough"
A sheep won't think your cheap and tacky if you: send daisies instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear levis with a hole in the seat, open beer bottles with your teeth...
Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on
Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning
Sheep don't mind doing it in a transit van
A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her nails, it's too hot, it's too cold, you'll wake the kids, you'll wake the neighbours, she's too drunk to enjoy it, she's not drunk enough to enjoy it
A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber

What's the difference between Derby and a teabag?
A teabag stays in the Cup longer

"Jesus! Dave, you sick bastard!"

A lost and tired Forest fan was walking through Derby when he saw a house. He thought "I'll go and ask for some directions and possibly a drink."
So he walks up to the house, when he sees a little boy sitting on a step, leading up to his house. So the Forest fan asks the little boy "Where is your mother?"
He replies "Out back fucking the ram"
The Forest guy says "You shouldn't say such things about your mum!"
So the Forest fan walks round to the back garden, and sure enough here was the boy's mother down on her hands and knees being mounted by this ram. The guy didn't want to interupt her so he walked back round to the front of the house and asks the boy "Doesn't it bother you, that your mother is being fucked by a ram?"
The boy replies, "Naaaa."

A Derbyshire vet is working in his office when he gets a phone call from a Derby fan saying "Help, help, you've got to come round quickly. My sheep has swallowed a condom!"
The vet promises to come round in about half an hour, but before he gets chance he is held up. Half an hour later the Derby fan is back on the phone. The vet says "wait 15 minutes and I'll be there!"
10 minutes later the vet is just about to set off when the phone rings again: "It's ok now. You need not come round anymore."
"But I thought your sheep had swallowed a condom?" says the vet.
"Yes, he did" comes the reply.
"Has he chocked it up?" he inquires, puzzled.
"No, but we found another one."

Newsflash!
John Gregory was caught speeding on his way to Pride Park today.
"I'll do any thing for 3 points" he said.

A Derby fan says to his mate "What would you do if you won the Lottery?"
"Easy! I'd buy a controlling interest in Derby" says the mate.
"Yeah, but what if you got 4 numbers?"

Derbyshire: It's life Jim, but not as we know it.

A man was in a pub with his dog, when the football results were on the radio...
"Bradford City 3, Derby County 1" came on the radio.
"Oh no!" said the dog and then ran out of the pub with his tail between his legs.
"That's amazing!" said the barman.
"He always does that when Derby lose, he supports them" replied the owner.
"What does he do when they win?" asked the barman.
"Dunno," said the man. "I've only had him six months."

What do you say to a Derby fan with a job?
Can I have a Big Mac please

Why does John Gregory keep visiting Argos?
Cos that's the only way he can pick up premier points.

The Pope is coming to Nottingham, so a Mother buys her son his favourite Nottingham Forest football strip so he'll stand out and get noticed, the Pope being a keen football fan. The Pope comes by, and sees another kid in a Derby shirt. He stops the Popemobile, gets out, talks to him, then drives straight past the kid in the Forest shirt. The Forest kid is really upset, so his mother buys him a Derby shirt for the Pope's return trip next day. The kid is distraught at having to wear a dirty Derby shirt but his mother convinces him that to get to talk to the Pope it's what he must do.
Next day the Pope sees the kid in his new Derby kit, stops the Popemobile, climbs down and says "Now then you little pig bastard, didn't I tell you to fuck off yesterday?"

Newsflash!
It's just been reported that a Derby fan is to sue Gregg's the Bakers.
He is accusing them of forging his signature on a hot cross bun.

Apparently, Jim Smith offered to send the Derby squad on an all expenses paid holiday to Florida, but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

Three football fans in a pub. One of them sees a twenty pound note in the fish tank. The landlord tells them that anyone who gets it out before the Piranha fish eats their hand gets to keep it. The first, a Notts fan, puts his hand in and the Piranha bites off two of his fingers.
The second, who's a Leicester fan waits until the fish looks the other way and then puts his hand in, he pulls it out with his left hand missing.
The dirty Derby fan puts his hand in and pulls out the twenty.
The stunned landlord asked how he managed it and the Derby fan shows him his hand where tattooed across his knucles is "DERBY 2001 Premiership Champions".
After a short pause, the landlord says "I understand now! Not even a Piranha fish will sallow that load of crap!"

Whats the difference between Mart Poom and a taxi driver?
A taxi driver will only let 4 in

Branko Strupar is visiting a school. In one class, he asks children, "can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?"
One boy stands up and says, "An aeroplane blows up, killing all the passengers."
"No" says the Derby stiker, "that would be a great loss."
A girl stands up and says, "A bus ploughs into a car, killing the occupants."
"No" Strupar says shaking his head, "that would be an accident. Can no-one give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a little boy stands up and says "A plane carrying Branko Strupar explodes!"
"Yes, says the scum, "and can you tell us why?"
"Well", says the boy, "It wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

How can you tell when Derby are losing?
Because its five past 3 and pigs havn't started flying yet

A Forest fan and a Derby fan are walking through the countryside when they see a sheep stuck in a gate.
The Forest fan says "God, I wish it was Cameron Diaz!"
The Derby fan says "God, I wish it was dark!"

Whats the differene between O.J. Simpson and Derby?
O.J. Simpson had some sort of defence

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of Derby players on them... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Newsflash!
OXO have just produced a new cube. It comes in a black and white box and is called 'Laughing stock'

A Forest fan receives an unwanted Christmas present. His slightly senile aunt gives him a season ticket for Pride Park. Not wanting it, the following morning he takes a trip to Derby and nails it to a fence post. However, two weeks later he decides to retreave it and make some money. But when he arrives at the spot where he left it, he discovers he is too late.
Some had nicked the nail.

A Derby fan visits an orchard and asks how much the apples are.
"You can pick as many as you like for a fiver", he is told.
"Great" he replies "I'll have a tenners worth"

The FA had to step in to prevent Derby's latest sponsorship deal. They signed a mega new contract with the pet-food firm 'Spillers'. An FA spokesman said that it would be fraud to have Derby players with "Winnalot" on their shirts!

Three Derby fans were sitting on the porch. The first one said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she bought home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!"
The second one said "My wife is stupider than yours, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got running water!"
The third one said, "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers laying there... and she ain't even got a dick!"

What's the difference between 3 cocktail sticks and Derby County?
The cocktail sticks have 6 points

A Derby fan and a Forest fan are in the pub watching the 6 O'clock news. A man is shown threatening to jump from Trent Bridge. The Derby fan bets the Forest fan £20 that he won't jump, and the Forest fan quickly replies "'I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumps, so the Derby fan relunctanly hands over the £20.
The Forest fan says, "I can't take this."
But the Derby fan replies, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money."
So the Forest fan confesses "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The Derby fan replies "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

West Midlands Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed John, a Derby fan who was responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. John, like most Derby fans, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY animal species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. John was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £500?
He showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, John announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."
This was agreed.
"Second, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly accepted this condition, so they asked what his third condition was .
"Well," said John, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the £500."

Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the first Forest fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The second Forest fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Derby fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the first Forest cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes.
Next, he lifted the second Forest cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes.
The officer then lifted the Derby cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Derby fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
"Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Derby hat, I find an arsehole."

Newsflash!
John Gregory is to awarded an OBE this year: Out Before Easter

E-mail your jokes and stuff to forest_1979@hotmail.com. The more offensive, the better.