The Blagger’s Guide To Being A Forest Fan
11/08/01 | by Alex Walker

This one-stop guide to becoming a Forest fan was first published in the one-off charity fanzine Run Forest Run at the begining of the 2001/02 season. It is the holy bible for anyone who wishes to present themselves as a die-hard Red, but is merely winging it.

Drinking

Alcohol is pretty much quintessential. It helps dumb down the pain. However, it should never, under any circumstances be purchased from one of the bars in the ground. The lager is distilled from the drainings of the burgers, and the bitter pump is connected directly the lavatory plumbing. Thus, beer, or any suchlike intoxicating beverage, should be acquired at one of the many Public Houses surrounding the ground.

Excesive use of alcohol at games is rarely recommended. You run the risk of a) getting so inebriated that you pass out and miss a five-goal performance by Forest, or b) getting deleriously happy to the state where you begin to imagine Forest are playing the best football since the 1970 Brazilian team and make a complete arse of yourself when telling your comrades such in the post-match discusion.

Clothing

Obviously red is the new black as far as Forest are concerned. But it is inadvisable to wear a replica shirt unless you want to look like “one of the posh kids”. However, if you cannot resist the urge to wear 40 quid’s worth of polyester around your torso, make sure your shirt is at least 3 years old to remind you of better times.

In a similar vain, it is advisable not to have the name of your favourite player printed on the back of your shirt as this is the kiss of death, normally leading to them going on strike / breaking a leg / losing all signs of talent / being sold to Stockport County / sleeping with your wife, etc.

Singing

On no account should singing, chanting, or any other kind of vocal support towards the team, be attempted when sitting in the Brian Clough stand. If you do engage in such rowdy behaviour, the surrounding masses will, at best, mutter behind your back in a disconcerting fashion, and at worse, hang you for treason or burn you for practising witchcraft - such is their lack of understanding of such matters.

If you opt to take your vocal cords to the Main Stand A Block, make sure you are prepared to back up your lyrical offerings with suitably appropriate body language directed towards the opposition fans, suggesting that you ‘up for it’. You will then receive gratification from the away fans who will respond in a similar manner.

On the other hand, if you are sitting in the Trent End, experience of singing in Church may be helpful, as the over-zealous safety staff insist that any singing is done sitting down with hands on knees (whilst they preach to you from their own little black book of rules - ‘Thou shalt not prevent those behind you from seeing the game by standing forth’).

Memories

Always be selective with your Forest supporting memories and disregard normal logic. For instance, Stuart Pearce deserves to be forgiven his disastrous spell as manager and leaving the club to benefit his own career because he is an England legend and a national hero. However, David Platt deserves to be hunted down and shot for his disastrous spell as manager and leaving the club to benefit his own career, despite being an England legend and a national hero.

In a similar vain, Trevor Francis lost all the respect he earned for helping Forest to two European Cup victories by becoming manager of one of our local rivals, but Martin O’Neill can be excused taking one or our local rivals to numerous glory because he helped Forest win two European Cups.

History

Never admit to beginning to support Forest during the so-called ‘Glory Years’. Instead, either claim to have joined the Red Army while Alan Brown was manager or while Irving Scholar et al were in charge of the club. That way you can always back up your pub arguments with “I’ve supported this club through thick and thin”. It also helps give you weight when you declare that the current squad are “the worst Forest team ever”.