Dear loyal voters*,

(*I know you would vote for me if you had the chance. In fact, so confident of this was I, I decided it really wasn’t worth going to the effort of having a general election just to find out what we already knew.)

It really is an honour for me to be invited to deliver this year’s LTLF Christmas message, particularly as recently my own party have stopped inviting me to anything, even by-elections.

I admit I’m not the most popular person in the country at the moment (let’s face it – if you came across me and Gary Glitter buried up to our heads in the sand, you would have to stop and think about who to kick first), but I sense that I would be welcomed by Nottingham Forest fans. After all, you seem to have a great deal of patience for Scotsmen in positions of power, even when things are going very very badly.

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