The Life of Brian’s Statue: Haggis, neeps and tatties

Brian Clough’s statue in Nottingham muses on his life and what’s happening in the world today…

I remember the days when the Scots fellers in my Forest team would celebrate Burns Night. Haggis, neeps and tatties. That’s what they went on about all day long. Sometimes, I wished they’d get together and write a book, and call it: ‘101 Things to do With a Dead Sheep’. Then maybe they’d bloody well shut up about it!

Now, I know Forest have just beaten Derby to take the Brian Clough Cup, but of course I managed both teams, and our Nigel is the gaffer at Derby, so I wouldn’t want to gloat too much. I’ve seen lots of supporters around looking happy anyway, so seeing ‘em smile is enough for me.

The thing is, when I was in charge, if Burns Night fell on a match day, those Scots fellers who played for me would be so stuffed full of haggis, they couldn’t run. So, I imposed a ban. I even rang round all the supermarkets and butchers to make sure those buggers didn’t try to pull the wool over my eyes and sneak a haggis home.

So, now that match day’s over, what better way to celebrate a win over the Rams, than by tucking into a lovely, steaming plate of haggis and a nice glass of Scotch. I know Robbie Burns wrote some bloody good poems, and that’s how I always liked my teams to play football, like they were poetry in motion.

But apart from Robbie, there was another Scots feller called Burns who I could always rely on: Kenny. I don’t think he went in for poetry much, but he loved his haggis just like all the others, and when it came to battering Rams, ewe could always count on him!