Scientists have discovered a long-theorised but previously unidentified particle that goes some way to explaining the mysteries of the footballing universe.

The Hobbs-Boson is described as a crucial element of quantum physics that allows a footballer to be in two places at once and simultaneously have two contradictory transfer statuses.

Esteemed physicist Prof. Howard Ino told us: “We were starting to doubt the existence of the Hobbs-Boson, but finally our research paid off last week when we noticed that the defender Jack Hobbs was occupying several points in space and time at once.” [...]

Chancellor George Osborne has hailed his new ‘help-to-work’ scheme as a success as the first unemployable person was put to work on a job no one else wants. Steve McClaren, of no fixed abode, started work this afternoon after the government identified him as one of the underclass who would never otherwise find work [...]