Scientists have discovered a long-theorised but previously unidentified particle that goes some way to explaining the mysteries of the footballing universe.

The Hobbs-Boson is described as a crucial element of quantum physics that allows a footballer to be in two places at once and simultaneously have two contradictory transfer statuses.

Esteemed physicist Prof. Howard Ino told us: “We were starting to doubt the existence of the Hobbs-Boson, but finally our research paid off last week when we noticed that the defender Jack Hobbs was occupying several points in space and time at once.” [...]

Hull City manager Steve Bruce has announced that he will be recalling his grandmother from her loan spell after receiving a 'substantial' bid from Reading.

It was believed that a deal to make the current arrangement between the elderly Mr and Mrs Bruce a permanent one had already been agreed when they took their marriage vows in 1946.

But small print has enabled Steve Bruce to recall his grandmother and sell her at a higher price [...]