Outbreak of optimism under control, say health experts

LTLF Exclusive by Our Health Correspondent, Colin Sick
August 29, 2012

The Department of Health has said that last night’s vaccination drive held at the City Ground has helped stem the spread of optimism in Nottingham.

In recent weeks a wave of optimism has swept across the city. People infected have suffered such symptoms as delirious satisfaction, deranged fantasies about the future and an irrational sense of excitement.

Health officials were alerted to the alarming spread of optimism and arranged for a team of experts from Lancashire to stage a mass inoculation at the City Ground stadium last night.

Just over 7,500 people attended and received a healthy dose of reality.

But the people of Nottingham are being urged to check themselves for symptoms of optimism in case of a resurgence of the epidemic.

Department of Health official Penny Sillin said: ‘Optimism is a serious disease that can have drastic consequences. People who gather in large groups, or crowds, can be at the greatest risk, especially if alcohol is consumed.’

Asked if this outbreak of optimism was related in any way to the plague of pessimism that struck the city last year, Ms Sillin said: ‘People who have suffered from pessimism are more vulnerable to contracting optimism at a later date, a fact which makes the people of Nottingham at much higher risk than most groups.’

Members of the public are advised to check themselves for the following physical symptoms of optimism:

  • Head being held high
  • An inexplicable warm feeling inside
  • Smiling

Although vaccination, as provided by the experts from Wigan last night, is recommended, optimism sufferers can take steps to treat themselves by ignoring newspaper gossip, avoiding internet forums and thinking long and hard about what happened last time they started experiencing positive emotions.

The City Ground is put under quarantine as optimism spreads