French manager takes Forest job to beat Brexit

LTLF Exclusive by European Correspondent, Lee Eve
June 28, 2016

New manager Philippe Montanier has exclusively revealed his reason for saying ‘oui’ to Fawaz Al-Hasawi and Nottingham Forest.

The Frenchman told LTLF: ‘It comes down to Great Britain’s vote to leave the EU.

‘Basically I’m desperate to get into English football. I was going to wait until a decent job offer came along, but with Boris Johnson about to haul the drawbridge up, I thought, “Meh, this will have to do.”

‘I would have pretty much gone to any club, providing it was before the UK Parliament activates Article 50. The latest I hear is that Nigel Farage is going to line the borders with skinhead guards ready to duff up anyone wearing a stripey t-shirt or pointy shoes, so we Europeans need to get in quick while we still can.’

However, there are hints Monsieur Montanier has not done all his research before making the leap to the English game.

‘I am told,’ he said, ‘that to work in Britain once the Brexit has been finalised, you will need to qualify through an Australian-style points system.

‘I’m not convinced that letting players handle the ball, playing on an oval field and having massive goal posts will really benefit the sport, but if it leads to me getting the Tottenham job or taking over from Arsene Wenger, I’ll give anything a try.’

Asked about M. Montanier’s confession, leading ‘Leave’ campaigner Den O’Phobia said: ‘Well it’s just typical of a foreigner to try and cheat the system like this, isn’t it?

‘Unfortunately, in our hurry to get Britain’s brighter future started as soon as possible, we forget to think about what the system was actually going to be. I mean, we never dreamt we’d actually win this bloody thing, so we can’t be expected to have any idea what to do next, can we?

‘Don’t worry, though. Now we have our sovereignty back, we fully intend to protect British football jobs for lesser-qualified native managers who would otherwise lack the skills to get employment in our national game. Even David Platt might get a job.’

While the managerial position is now filled, the future of Forest’s owner Fawaz Al-Hasawi is still in doubt. European economics expert Costas Muchos explained: ‘The falling value of the pound makes the prospect of a takeover more appealing to the Greeks.’

So, is a ‘Fexit’ now likely?

‘We can’t be certain,’ responded Mr Muchos, ‘but he usually does.’

In other EU Referendum news:

  • The rebel Labour MPs who have quit Jeremy Corbyn’s shadow cabinet and called for a vote of no confidence in the party leader have invited Argentinian trio Lionel Messi, Sergio Aguero and Javier Mascherano to join them in a new political movement. Hilary Benn said, ‘We want to extend the hand of friendship to these footballers, from one bunch of big cry-babies to another. Throwing a right strop and leaving your colleagues in the lurch because things don’t go the way you wanted is the kind of ethos that we believe can bring our two nations together. Or at least get us some better jobs.’
  • Inspired by the calls to have the EU referendum re-run, Derby County fans have started a petition to have their play-off semi-final against Hull City replayed. ‘We now realise,’ one signatory said, ‘that we have been lied to throughout this campaign about Derby actually being a good team. We don’t expect to see a different result, we just want the chance to rectify our mistake by not turning up this time.’
  • And finally… [Insert some oh-so-satirical comparison between Brexit and England’s abject performance in the Euros here… if you can be fucking bothered – Ed.]