LEAKED: Burton letter schools Fawaz in the art of brewery-based bacchanalia
Dear Mr Al-Hasawi,
I am writing to you on behalf of the Burton Brewers’ Association in the sincere hope that you will take this missive in the spirit of sporting goodwill it is intended.
As you are aware, our local football team will be playing its first ever game in the Football League Championship this Saturday against the club we presume you still own, Nottingham Forest.
Though we will naturally be rooting for the Albion in this fixture, we thought we would extend the proverbial hand of friendship and in doing so offer you some free advice.
Indeed, as experts in facilitating piss-ups, some of which do in fact take place in our own breweries, we are saddened by reports from reliable sources that you are categorically incapable of organising such an event.
In light of this, please consider the following guidelines that might aid you in future endeavours:
- It is vitally important to ensure, well in advance of your event, that your proposed venue has a valid safety certificate.
- Once said safety certificate is obtained, you should also take care to check that its stated allowable attendance reflects that of your venue’s actual capacity or you could be left in the embarrassing situation of turning punters away.
- Make sure all supplier invoices are paid promptly and in full.
- Be aware in advance of any regulations within your industry, the breach of which may result in the suspension or limitation of your trading rights.
- Foster good will within the community by exploring local sponsorship opportunities rather than allowing faceless corporate giants to devalue your brand.
- Keep customers informed via regular updates on social media and your organisation’s own website.
- If you receive negative coverage in the press, it may be tempting to ban certain media outlets from attending your events, but this will only lead to further bad reviews.
- Ensure consistent quality of service by showing loyalty to staff at all levels.
- Source local, home-grown produce rather than foreign imports – it will work out cheaper in the long-run!
- Focus on the basic details, like a well-stocked bar and quality food offerings, rather than unnecessary gimmicks such as jumbo screens.
- Provide comfortable seating for your attendees, but remember that areas in which people are standing will always generate a more lively atmosphere.
- Ensure your security staff are well trained, respectful and able to deal with high-spirited guests without inciting a hostile confrontation.
- Do not try and be the centre of attention – you will only make yourself the target of complaints should something go wrong.
- Delegate important tasks to trustworthy members of staff and never think you can run everything by yourself.
- And most importantly, do not allow your event to become associated with shady characters with possible criminal connections, no matter what financial investment they promise to bring.
Chairman – Burton Brewers’ Association