Derby chairman to answer Kanye West plea

LTLF Exclusive by Hip-Hop Correspondent, Flo Shizzle
February 18, 2016

Mel Morris, the owner of Derby County FC and former Candy Crush entrepreneur, has surprised the world by announcing he will come to the financial aid of beleaguered rapper Kanye West.

West, 38, revealed earlier this week that he is $53 million in debt. He then made desperate pleas on Twitter to Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg and Google’s Larry Page, asking they invest “1 billion dollars into Kanye West”.

Those appeals were met with amused silence, but now it transpires that another internet millionaire, namely Mr Morris, plans to pull his money out of Derby and invest in West’s hip-hop dreams instead.

Morris said in a statement: “If you haven’t worked it out by now, I’m a bit daft. Making terrible investments and completely wasting my money, this is really my bag.

“I was never interested in Derby, I just thought it would be a laugh – a pointless way to pass the time and throw away cash, a bit like playing Candy Crush Saga.

“For a while, I must admit, I did get quite involved in the club, but now I’m fed up of trying to get the team to play the ‘Derby way’.

“These head coaches keep coming in, with all their fancy ideas about possession football, when I’ve told them repeatedly that soccer is about throwing yourself to the ground to win penalties.

“Some of the lads get it, but for a while this season we looked like we might get promoted to the Premier League without the slightest clue how to play like a bunch of cheating c***s when we got there.

“I watched us rise to the top of the league in November and I said to myself, ‘This wasn’t what I bought Derby County to see.’ How could I have possibly known they would actually be able to play a bit? All my due diligence prior to the takeover suggested this wasn’t a possibility.”

Mr Morris added: “My only worry with Kanye, unlike Derby County, is that it may not be an utterly pointless investment. I mean, there’s a slim chance Kanye might make another decent album with this dosh; at Derby I knew I could buy Tom Ince for £5 million and I was practically pissing my money down the drain.

In his tweets, Kanye described himself as “this generation’s Disney”. Mr Morris sees this as a good omen. “After all,” he added, “I’m used to dealing with Mickey Mouse operations.

“I want to help Kanye bring some dope s**t to the rap world, after having successfully brought some utter s**t to the footballing and gaming ones.”

Meanwhile, it is being reported that Kanye West’s money troubles can be traced back to a promised investment from Nottingham Forest owner, Fawaz Al-Hasawi, which funds have yet to materialise.