Forest injury crises worsens

LTLF Exclusive by Our Health Correspondent, Colin Sick
December 2, 2013

Nottingham Forest are facing a bleak winter as even more names are added to their injury list. Forest’s recent form has been hampered by key members of the squad dropping out, but a series of bizarre injuries and diseases have left the manager with even fewer options.

It is already known that Kelvin Wilson will play no part in forthcoming fixtures as he is currently in rehab trying to overcome an addiction to deep-fried food he picked up in Scotland. His therapist told us: “It’s tough for Kelvin. When we suggested he go cold turkey, he asked us if we couldn’t at least cover it in batter first.”

Inside the NFFC treatment roomIshmael Miller is now seeking specialist treatment in the south after he was wrongly diagnosed as a footballer. The club are considering legal action against Dr McClaren who made the inaccurate diagnosis two years ago, although this may be difficult as he is currently himself a patient at a famous mental asylum in Derbyshire.

Closer to home, Guy Moussi and Djamel Abdoun are both being treated for an inner ear problem – apparently they both hear a loud droning noise all around them whenever they walk onto the pitch at the City Ground.

Forest manager Billy Davies told us earlier today he will also be without striker Darius Henderson who is once again out with a bad pretence. “We’re monitoring the situation and await news from his lawyer… I mean doctor,” said Davies.

Jamie Mackie has been ruled out with a punctuation problem. He commented: “Looks like I will be. Out for the next month or, so the club doctor is going – to give my point’s a thorough examination and: I might have, to undergo a comma splicing operation.”

Meanwhile winger Jamie Paterson wrote on his Twitter feed: “Got a bad dose of innumeracy, might be out for 2 to 7,000 weeks.”

Worse of all, a bout of alliteration has infected several members of the squad, resulting in Collins coughing, de Vries vomiting and Jara being jaundiced. Halford has hives, Reid is retching and Lascelles is limping. But reports of Darlow and Derbyshire dying are believed to be false.

Head physiotherapist Andrew Balderston told us Dimitar Evtimov is in constant pain thanks to recurring intransitive verbs: “He moans, he groans, he wails, he weeps, he writhes.” [Looks like that alliteration virus is spreading, too – Ed.]

Dan Harding has been quarantined after contracting Seuss Disease (named after the famous German-American doctor). In a statement he said: “I am Dan. Dan I am. I Dan am.” Doctors are now believed to be looking into other treatments after a course of green eggs and ham brought about no improvement in his condition.

Despite these problems, however, Billy Davies did tell us that perhaps things aren’t as bad as they seem: “I rang up Sean Dyche at Burnley for some advice and he told me not to worry as apparently I still have another 50 first team players to pick from thanks for our owner spending a zillion pounds during the summer transfer window.

“Sadly I think Sean might be coming down with the same thing Jamie Paterson has. Either that or he’s just a fucking idiot.”

In other medical news, the LTLF headquarters have been quarantined after an outbreak of surrealism, faux-intellectualism and chronic self-referencitis.