FIFA hail World Cup a success as moaning records are broken

LTLF Exclusive by World Cup Correspondent, Mona Littlemore
June 13, 2014

FIFA have declared the 2014 World Cup in Brazil a huge success after just one day of action that sent internet moaning levels through the roof.

The tournament kicked-off last night in Sao Paulo as hosts Brazil came from behind to beat Croatia 3-1, prompting a flurry of online complaints about the manner of the victory.

“This is exactly the start to the tournament we wanted,” said FIFA spokesperson Ken Niving-Bastard. “A drab opening ceremony, a match decided by dodgy refereeing decisions, followed by riots on the street. This is precisely what we wanted to deliver to football fans around the world – plenty of things to moan about.”

Early indications suggest that following last night’s match, football-related moaning reached its highest point since vuvuzelas were first heard at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

Moaning in Britain has already climbed to its highest level of 2014, easily surpassing the year’s previous high when the sexy Polish milkmaids didn’t win Eurovision.

Mr Niving-Bastard added: “For a while there we were worried the opening game might be won by the most deserving team, but thankfully referee Yuichi Nishimura stepped up to deliver some appalling decisions, showing blatant favouritism to the home team and cheating the popular Croatians out a result.

“Can you imagine a World Cup without things for fans to moan about? What would the biggest sporting event of the year be if supporters could not occupy the time between matches grumbling on Facebook, Twittter and message boards?

“Here at FIFA we know that football fans across the globe like nothing better than a good gripe, and we’ve been proudly delivering things for supporters to complain about for 110 years.

“We’re simply delighted that the 2014 World Cup has begun in a fashion befitting of an organisation like FIFA, committed to pissing people off.”

Meanwhile ITV Sport have released a statement saying they too are pleased with how the tournament started.

“The political controversy surrounding the Brazil World Cup poses a particular challenge,” said the broadcaster, “but thankfully in Adrian Chiles we have presenter able to deliver flippant and inane comments on any subject. Who better to offer a vapid voice-over to scenes of police brutality and abject poverty than Adrian?

“Combined with our annoying jingle, proliferation of ad breaks and insipid commentary team, we’re convinced that fans will tune into ITV when they want to be truly annoyed during this World Cup.

“In fact, so successfully irritating was our coverage of the opening match, people gathered outside our studio to throw rocks at us – here at ITV Sport, we consider that a big thumbs up from the footballing world!”